" Time Spent Getting Better is Never Wasted"

Here it is. This is definitely a big step for me because I usually like to keep my personal goals to myself, but a lot of times I don’t accomplish anything when I do that. So…I have something I want to accomplish in some way. I don’t know how I am going to do it, or if I can, but right now I am just going to take one step at a time and try. I have been holding this back for a few years trying to convince myself that I can’t do it because I am too weak; or that my time has passed. I am here to prove myself wrong.

It hit me today when I realized that I didn't feel as though I was accomplishing anything. I look around and I see so many people my age doing things that they love. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, I love being married, and I really do love my job, but there is something about this smaller love that I have that keeps digging in me, and today I realized just how much I was trying to cover it up.

I thought that I would be selfish if I allowed my ‘dream’ to direct me, but I end up finding myself in this ‘hole’ of un-satisfaction that makes me a bitter person at times towards those who are able to accomplish their ‘dreams’. Bitter may be too strong of a word, but jealousy isn’t; jealousy is one of those things that I would be fine living without. I also didn’t want this thing to get in the way of starting a family either.

So after a great talk with my husband (who, by the way, is the most amazing person ever!) I have decided to get back on the road and work towards somehow playing soccer again. It may be a complete failure all together and it may not take me anywhere and I may never make it to actually playing again, but it’s very possible that I can finally put an end to my “what if’s” and move forward.

If you don’t know I have struggled getting back into sports in general since the beginning year of my junior year of high school. I had torn my ACL in September of 2005, and I haven’t been able to feel whole ever since. I had to skip soccer and track that year and finally by the beginning of my senior year I had surgery that repaired my knee, and of course, sports were out of the question that year as well.

Since I was so eager to get back playing again, I had failed to realize that “…it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength” (1). I tried to play again without allowing my knee to heal and become strong again. It was a horrible lesson that resulted in another tear, and yes, another surgery. I had the second surgery in September of 2009. It may be silly to most to understand the emotional and physical pain experienced, but just think of something you may be passionate for, something that when you are doing it makes you feel so light; that was soccer for me, and has always been. It’s something that I have tried for years to get over and hide from, but it’s come to the surface now.

Whatever the reason may be for the downward spiral effect of these injuries, I still love my life and I am so thankful for everything.

“Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”(2)

I love the direction and change that I have experienced, and the future that looks so bright for both Cameron and I. With all of that said, I am very excited to make a positive change in my life for my mental and physical health. I know it’s going to be hard coming back and failing every once in awhile, but I hope to not look back with regrets of anything! Here I go…

(1) (1) Mosiah 4:27

(2) (2) James E. Faust, “Hope, an Anchor of the Soul,” Ensign, Nov. 1999, 59