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" Time Spent Getting Better is Never Wasted"

Here it is. This is definitely a big step for me because I usually like to keep my personal goals to myself, but a lot of times I don’t accomplish anything when I do that. So…I have something I want to accomplish in some way. I don’t know how I am going to do it, or if I can, but right now I am just going to take one step at a time and try. I have been holding this back for a few years trying to convince myself that I can’t do it because I am too weak; or that my time has passed. I am here to prove myself wrong.

It hit me today when I realized that I didn't feel as though I was accomplishing anything. I look around and I see so many people my age doing things that they love. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, I love being married, and I really do love my job, but there is something about this smaller love that I have that keeps digging in me, and today I realized just how much I was trying to cover it up.

I thought that I would be selfish if I allowed my ‘dream’ to direct me, but I end up finding myself in this ‘hole’ of un-satisfaction that makes me a bitter person at times towards those who are able to accomplish their ‘dreams’. Bitter may be too strong of a word, but jealousy isn’t; jealousy is one of those things that I would be fine living without. I also didn’t want this thing to get in the way of starting a family either.

So after a great talk with my husband (who, by the way, is the most amazing person ever!) I have decided to get back on the road and work towards somehow playing soccer again. It may be a complete failure all together and it may not take me anywhere and I may never make it to actually playing again, but it’s very possible that I can finally put an end to my “what if’s” and move forward.

If you don’t know I have struggled getting back into sports in general since the beginning year of my junior year of high school. I had torn my ACL in September of 2005, and I haven’t been able to feel whole ever since. I had to skip soccer and track that year and finally by the beginning of my senior year I had surgery that repaired my knee, and of course, sports were out of the question that year as well.

Since I was so eager to get back playing again, I had failed to realize that “…it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength” (1). I tried to play again without allowing my knee to heal and become strong again. It was a horrible lesson that resulted in another tear, and yes, another surgery. I had the second surgery in September of 2009. It may be silly to most to understand the emotional and physical pain experienced, but just think of something you may be passionate for, something that when you are doing it makes you feel so light; that was soccer for me, and has always been. It’s something that I have tried for years to get over and hide from, but it’s come to the surface now.

Whatever the reason may be for the downward spiral effect of these injuries, I still love my life and I am so thankful for everything.

“Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”(2)

I love the direction and change that I have experienced, and the future that looks so bright for both Cameron and I. With all of that said, I am very excited to make a positive change in my life for my mental and physical health. I know it’s going to be hard coming back and failing every once in awhile, but I hope to not look back with regrets of anything! Here I go…

(1) (1) Mosiah 4:27

(2) (2) James E. Faust, “Hope, an Anchor of the Soul,” Ensign, Nov. 1999, 59

1 year Anniversary

Well, what a week it’s been. Last week I had a minor itchy throat that I assumed were allergies; it progressed to sinus pressure and difficulty swallowing. I found out that I had a sinus infection and to top that off, tonsillitis as well. Never really experience tonsillitis before, and I really don’t think I want to again. I had horrible aches throughout my body, a fever, sore throat, nasty blistering and puss on my tonsils and the symptoms of a sinus infection as well. To make matters worse, the antibiotic my doctor prescribed was really acidic and I had fun dealing with extra acid in my stomach for a day; it made me extremely nauseous. Cameron ended up calling the doctor to change my prescription, but there was nothing they could do about the side effects I was having so I just had to wait it out. Wasn’t fun.

Some of the medicine I took , not including a pro biotic and a multi-vitamin.

Those side effects weren’t the only thing I was dealing with either. Because of all the pain I was experiencing that week, I had been taking Excedrin and IB profin to calm my fever and reduce my aches and pains. Because of that, my poor esophagus was getting tender, and since I was coughing so much it basically destroyed the inner lining. So for the past 5 days it has been odd breathing.

Besides all of the sickness, something really fun happened this week! It was our 1 year anniversary! This whole year has gone by so fast; we don’t really know where it all went. Since it was our one year anniversary we were going to plan a fun weekend trip to go up to Salt Lake City on Friday and come back Sunday, but, because of my weak immune system, we had to cancel and see what happened.

Since by Saturday I was actually pretty mobile, I decided I would go to the store and get a few things for Cameron to surprise him with. And I even planned on having dinner made and ready by the time he got home from his volunteer job at the hospital. When he did get home I had a fun candle light dinner made, with a brand new table cloth that I had just bought, and some candy and a pink teddy bear.

When he walked into the house he had a huge smile with a bouquet of yummy red roses and some Martinelli’s to celebrate the occasion. The roses were beautiful! And he was surprised that I made the house all cute and romantic. We had surprised each other, and that was probably the best part.

We sat down for dinner; Cameron decided that we should toast to each other, so we did. Then, this is where the fun part comes; he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, again. No worries, he had a ring to back him up. He bought me a wedding band.

When we got married we decided that we would wait for a wedding band until we had a little bit more money, and somehow he snuck buying it when I had my ring cleaned in November. So although the week started with aches and pains and Cameron had to take care of me, he proved himself that he truly was the sweetest, most wonderful, best husband, and most thoughtful man alive. What an amazing week. I'm a lucky one :)